


Five Times Tony Stark Got Married and the One Time It Was on Purpose

by FannyT



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Tower, F/M, Five Times, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-23
Updated: 2013-11-23
Packaged: 2018-01-02 11:10:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1056072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FannyT/pseuds/FannyT
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What it says on the tin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times Tony Stark Got Married and the One Time It Was on Purpose

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to RedOrchid for the beta! :)

**1.**

After Tony almost died, and he signed his company over to Pepper and gave his suit to Rhodey and battled an angry Russian and then didn't die after all and everything was very confusing—after all that, there were arrangements to be made. Since SHIELD was on site at all times as well, in order to clean up after Ivan Vasko's disastrous attempt at being a super villain, he had Nick Fury underfoot a lot more than he found comfortable.

“We're here to help with the transition,” Fury said.

“Really?” Tony said. “Because it looks to me like you're here to sit in my chair and eat snacks.”

“These are nice,” Fury said shamelessly, waving Tony's packet of macadamia nuts.

Tony ran his hands through his hair. “So the thing is that I have about, oh, a million things I need to be doing right now, but instead I'm here, making sure you don't put some kind of SHIELD drugs in my water or something, I don't know, I really wouldn't put it past you—”

“Why would we need to use your water?” Natasha Romanoff said from behind him. “You have a perfectly functioning ventilation system.”

“And _why_ is she here?” Tony exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger. He turned to glare at her; she raised an eyebrow at him. “Because you're really a terrible person and I don't like you at all, Natalie—or Natasha? Do you even _have_ a real name?”

She gave him a blank look, then looked over his shoulder at Fury.

“Agent Romanoff is also assisting in cleaning up the Vasko affair,” he said. “You should be grateful. She should have been in Kyoto right now, but has agreed to help out here instead.”

“Clint’s been texting,” Natasha said. “He's already managed to offend half the local SHIELD faction. He just can't get the hang of honorifics.”

Tony snatched the packet of macadamia nuts away from Fury. “Well, that's nice and I'm very grateful, except for how I'm actually not, but you really need to get out of here so I can start getting my life and my company back into some kind of order. Apparently Pepper doesn't want to own it after all, which I guess is kind of fair. It's a pain in the neck. I need to sign back onto several different boards and sort out the insurance, and—”

“You don't need to worry about that,” Natasha interrupted. “I signed all those documents for you yesterday.”

He turned back and stared at her. She smiled sweetly at him.

“You know,” she said. “As your wife.”

Tony liked to think that there did not exist a situation in which he would be completely lost for words. But then, he seemed to be re-evaluating a lot of things about himself today.

Nick Fury sighed and straightened up.

“You married him, agent Romanoff?” he said, looking more annoyed than surprised. Natasha shrugged.

“Natalie Rushman did. You told me to get the job done.”

Tony opened his mouth, then closed it again.

“Exactly how drunk was I?” he asked, after some reflection. She smiled at him—for once, it seemed, actually meaning it.

“Impressively,” she said. “And I say that as a Russian.”

Tony ran a hand over his face, then picked up his phone and dialled. “Pepper? I would just like to preface this by saying that I love you very much and you are the light of my life. Also, can you get me someone from legal?”

“Well,” Natasha said, making a considering face.

“Someone _else_ from legal,” Tony said firmly.

**2.**

When he asked the rest of the Avengers to move in with him in the tower, Tony thought, trying to unstick his eyelids, he might not have thought that entirely through. Several of his new team mates were apparently quite heavy drinkers. Also, the mead Thor had brought in from Aasgard yesterday to celebrate their cohabitation would definitely not be legal in the state of New York or, well, on earth. Tony groaned out loud.

Someone else did, too.

Tony's eyes flew open. He turned his head carefully, and found that the weight on his chest was not, as he'd previously imagined, only a symptom of his hangover.

Captain America was lying next to him, one arm draped over him and his tousled head resting only inches away. He was frowning, and eventually, he opened his eyes a crack and stared blearily back at Tony.

“I think I have a hangover,” he murmured. “I didn't think I could still get hangovers. I didn't even think I could still get _drunk_.”

Then he focused more fully on Tony, and his frown deepened. “Stark? What are you doing here?”

Tony sat up. Yes, definitely his bed. His bed, that he usually shared with his actually steady girlfriend, only Pepper was away in Boston and taking care of new metalworks contracts this weekend. So, his bed—with Captain America in it.

Rogers rubbed his eyes, then sat up as well. He looked around himself with some confusion.

“Is this your bedroom, Stark?” he said, raising a hand to smooth his annoying 40s hair out of his face. The morning sunlight shining in through the window glinted off gold on his finger.

“No fucking way,” Tony said, grabbing Rogers' hand and pulling it close for inspection, ignoring the protesting noise. The ring was plain gold, like the one Tony found on his own finger.

“I am never going to be able to stop apologising to Pepper for this one,” he muttered.

Rogers frowned at him, then suddenly seemed to realise. “Stark, what on earth—”

“Don't worry,” Tony said. “This has happened before; it's a reversible process. Apparently my fear of commitment seems to take a hike when I'm drunk enough, don't know why; interesting phenomenon, actually. You just think of this as a new experience and take the compliment. I must find you even prettier when I'm drunk.”

“Are we _married_?” Rogers exclaimed, staring at the ring on his finger. “Why the hell would I marry you?”

“OK, wow,” Tony said. “Insulting. And I don't know, perhaps you didn't want to put out before the wedding? I have no idea. I feel like out of the two of us, you're more likely to place value on marriage, so this is on you.”

“Put out?” Rogers asked, and then, in the most comically awful attack of shyness Tony had ever seen, clutched the covers to himself. “Stark, did we have _sex_?”

“I _really_ hope not,” Tony said, and then he heard the giggles.

Jumping out of bed, he strode over to his bedroom door and, as Rogers waved his hands frantically for him to stop, threw it open.

Bruce was biting his fist, and Barton had his face turned into Natasha's shoulder, his own shoulders shaking. Her lips were pressed tight together with suppressed laughter. Thor had just abandoned all sneakiness and was laughing openly.

“Nice,” Tony said. “Well done. You had me going.”

Behind him, he heard Rogers exhale in a long sigh. “Oh thank god,” he said.

“Once again, insulting,” Tony called over his shoulder. “Also, I take back what I said. You are not that pretty.”

“You told him he was yesterday,” Natasha said. “Then again, you also called Clint cute, so your judgement may have been off.”

“Hey,” Barton said, offended.

“You were generally very affectionate last night,” Bruce said. “We thought we'd let it carry over to this morning.”

“Nicely done,” Tony said. “Where did you even get the rings?”

“They are mine. I was planning to give you all one such ring as a token of our bond as warriors,” Thor said. “I have been informed this may give a wrongful impression. I will rethink my shieldbrethren gifts.”

“Natasha wanted to place some condoms on the night table as well,” Barton said. “But Bruce thought that would be too mean. He thought it might make you question your stable relationship and that would be bad.”

Tony looked at Natasha, who shrugged at him, unabashed.

“You are truly a bad person,” Tony said. She grinned.

Steve, who'd managed to drag himself out of bed, joined Tony at the door. “Are all our parties going to be like this?” he asked. “Because I think the War was easier.”

“Don't worry, honey,” Tony said, clapping him on the shoulder. “Our fellow Avengers have played a prank on us. What they have failed to take into account is that they are now living in my building, I'm extremely good with technology, and I always repay pranks tenfold.”

Rogers winced, putting a hand to his temple, then smiled. “My best friend in the army was a great prankster. I may have some ideas.” After a beat, he added, “sweetheart.”

Tony grinned. It seemed that he and Steve Rogers might just get along. He took hold of the door and smiled beatifically at the other Avengers, some of whom were now looking slightly nervous. “My darling husband and I would like some privacy. Newlyweds.”

He closed the door in their faces.

**3.**

Tony looked around at the assembled grave faces. Before him sat the royal family: Odin, Frigga and Thor. The bride and groom stood next to the throne dais, both looking thoroughly pissed off and glaring at him. On the other side of the royal family, Loki was standing between two guards, his chains off for the sake of the day's celebration. The Avengers, all clad in ceremonial Aasgard garb, were off to one side and mostly looking confused about the whole affair.

“So... something went wrong?” Tony asked.

“My son invites you to partake in a wedding feast,” Odin said, glaring through his one good eye at Tony. “You and the rest of your warrior clan known as the Avengers are even invited to act as groomsmen and -women, the highest honour we can bestow. And as thanks for this, you disgrace us all.”

“My shield brother,” Thor said, looking pained. “What possessed you to do it?”

“What?” Tony said. “I did as I was told! The lady who dressed me told me to take the fir branch and wave it over the goat and over myself to, I don't know, prepare it for sacrifice or something? OK, I'll admit, I didn't listen too closely to the _why_ of it all. Did I do it wrong?”

There was silence for quite some time. Then, with an explosion of sudden noise, Loki bent double with laughter.

“Who was watching Loki?” Thor roared. “Was _no one_ watching Loki? Guards, have you been shirking your duties?”

The guards looked at each other. “He's been by our side the entire time,” one said.

“Don't listen to my brother,” Loki said.

“Yes, you've done a great job,” another Loki said, stepping in through the doors. The Loki by the guards vanished. Thor groaned loudly.

“Loki, you _promised_ ,” Frigga said, looking pained.

“I couldn't help myself,” Loki said, taking up his position between the guards again, hands held meekly behind his back. For a moment, his form shifted into a tall, dark-haired woman, who winked at them. Thor put his hand over his eyes. 

“OK, starting to see where this might have gone wrong now,” Tony said, staring at Loki. “So can we get back to exactly what I did wrong?”

“My deepest congratulations and wishes for long happiness,” Loki said slyly.

“Silence,” Odin snapped. “Man of Iron, Loki appears to have tricked you.”

“I'm getting that,” Tony said. “And I'm becoming keen to know exactly how.”

“Shield brother,” Thor said awkwardly. “I'm afraid that you might have married our ceremonial goat.”

**4.**

“I am never going undercover again,” Tony said. Natasha hummed thoughtfully, straightening his bow tie.

“No, seriously, never. I don't know how Fury talked me into this. I don't even know how it was possible. I've been on every magazine cover there _is_.”

“You don't really have any following in Thailand,” Natasha said. “Don't know why. Also, with this hair, I don't think even your shareholders would recognise you at a casual glance.”

Tony ran a hand through his hair self-consciously. “You're sure they can dye it back?” he said.

She looked at him disparagingly.

“Fine, OK, just checking. I like my hair.” He fidgeted, pulling at his collar. She batted his hands away.

“I still don't see why this was necessary,” he said.

Natasha sighed. “Being undercover means _not breaking character_ ,” she said. “If you go in as a man deeply in love with his fiancée, and an opportunity to marry that deeply loved fiancée suddenly presents itself, you'll find it very difficult to say no without blowing the whole operation. Especially if the cartel leader you're investigating has agreed to officiate your wedding. It's an honour.”

“This is the happiest day of my life,” Tony said, firing off a brilliant smile at her.

“That’s the spirit.”

Tony sighed. He checked that the bracelets for summoning his suit were hidden under his shirt sleeves, and then handed Natasha the gun he'd liberated from the dead drop earlier that morning. She tucked it deftly into her bouquet.

“I'm not supposed to see you in your dress, you know,” Tony added, giving her white satin and lace confection a critical once over. “This could be unlucky.”

“For someone,” Natasha agreed, adjusting her bridal veil. “Let's make sure it's the cartel. OK, remember to say _I do_. And when the signal from Clint comes, remember to duck.”

**5.**

Aliens, Tony thought. Fucking aliens.

Next to him, Director Fury shifted position, and the hand that was bound to Tony's by some kind of glowing light thing ( _fucking aliens_ ) yanked Tony's fingers away from the screen.

“Hey!” Tony said. “Sit still. I'm trying to contact earth and get us help here.”

Fury snorted, annoyed, then moved his hand back and held it pointedly still. Tony went back to figuring out how this particular alien technology was even supposed to work.

“You'd think that a race that invented light speed travel would have figured out proper nesting technique,” he said. “Their filing system is a mess. Also, they should really think about upgrading this interface. It's very Windows 98.”

“Mr Stark,” Fury said. “Can I remind you that we are locked in a room with no chance of escape and no hope of rescue, since by the time anyone even realises we're gone back on earth, we'll already have starved to death what with the whole time conversion thing?”

Tony glanced at him. “Yeah, no, you really didn't have to remind me,” he said. “I am quite aware of this.”

“I meant, maybe you should focus on getting us out of here, instead of making _quips_.”

“I am focusing,” Tony said, tapping away at the screen. “This is how I focus. I make quips, I distract myself from the thought of impending doom, and then I'm brilliant. That's how this works.”

“Could you maybe do it faster?” Fury said.

“How has there not been a coup at SHIELD yet, oh my god,” Tony said. “You are the worst boss. If you are that impatient, we could always take the other option out.”

Fury glared at him. “We are _not_ consummating our marriage on an alien ship.”

“I'm just saying, if my translator worked, this chamber will actually open by itself as soon as the marriage—”

“Mr Stark, if the option is _fuck or die_ ,” Fury said, “you can make damn sure I _will_ find a third option.”

“Then let me do my work and get us that third option,” Tony said. “If I can just reroute this via the Iron Man suit, I might be able to get a message back to Jarvis.”

Fury leant back against the wall, still holding his hand out.

“If we ever get out of this wedding chamber and back to earth,” he said, “we are _never speaking of this again_. Do I make myself clear?”

“Absolutely, darling, sir,” Tony said.

“And if you ever, _ever_ call me darling again, be aware that I am always one phone call away from confiscating all of your suits.”

“Fine,” Tony said. “Keep your hair on, hubby. Oh. Poor choice of words, sorry.”

It was probably lucky for him, he thought later, that he made contact with Jarvis in that very moment.

**+1.**

Tony cleared his throat.

“I promise to listen when you tell me I'm being a self-destructive ass. I promise to make only as many suits as you feel is appropriate and justified. I promise to always call before I fight off an alien threat to the planet. I promise never to marry anyone else but you. Well, I mean, I promise I'll _try_ not to, but these things keep happening, it's really not my fault... yes, well, anyway.”

Tony looked at Pepper. She was smiling at him, and he thought she'd never been more beautiful.

“Most of all,” he said, “I promise to always love you like I love you today.”

She raised one hand to the corner of her eye.

“Tony,” she said. “You write the worst wedding vows I've ever heard.”

“But you still want to marry me, right?” he asked. “Please say you do. It'll be really embarrassing otherwise; we've dragged all these people here and just finding that dress was its own nightmare and—” He stopped, glancing out over the assembled crowd. For a moment, he caught the eye of his fellow Avengers. Natasha was looking exasperated with him. Bruce was dabbing at his eyes with a handkerchief. Clint made a _go on_ gesture.

“And I really can't imagine my life without you,” he finished. “Please say you still want to marry me.”

She laughed. “Yes,” she said. “I do.”

“Thank god,” Tony said. “I wasn't entirely certain until then.”

She leant her head to one side. “Well, I... was.” She smiled. “I always was, you know.”

He’d had quite a few of them by this point, but as he and Pepper were pronounced husband and wife, Tony thought that this was definitely his favourite wedding.


End file.
